you see, growing up i had a plan of how my life would be played out. i would go to college (a christian one, of course, because that is where you meet christian husbands-well, potential, that is, not someone else's christian husband-ok, i digress). so, after some serious soul searching (and many, many paths that lead away from GOD), the prodigal daughter returned to her savior, and thus i ended up at BIOLA. it would be there i would study to be a teacher, meet my future husband, get married, become a teacher, and then about two years later, become a mom. well, as the wise proverbs states, "a man's heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps" (proverbs 16:9). my heart had planned out my future, but GOD had a completely different plan for me. one i would come to understand and accept as HIS WAY, the BEST WAY. well, i went to BIOLA alright and surely became a teacher, got a job...but, notice, NO HUSBAND...not so much as even a boyfriend (ok, a few sorrowful, pitiful dates, but nothing serious). so, there i was, graduating from a christian college and feeling like pretty much the only one that didn't find a husband. (this of course, is not true, as one of my best friends from college did not "find" her hubby at BIOLA either, but none-the-less, i felt like the only one). i couldn't understand it, but, forged on and dove into friends and my new career as a 4th grade teacher. i met someone that i thought was "the one," but realized (many heartaches and bad choices later) he was not "the one" either (this worked out and now i can clearly see the lord's hand in all of it). about two weeks after this very hard break-up, some friends told me about "mark." i finally met mark and pretty much fell head over heels in love, with this complete stranger. all i knew was that his dad was a pastor, he loved the lord, and he liked to surf. ok, three things i thought were pretty good. hey, my dad was a pastor, i loved the lord, and i really liked going to the beach, so i thought this was a good thing. well, apparently, he did as well and we started dating. we were pretty much inseparable for a year.
it was about 13 months from the date we met, that we got married. this man was "the one" and i was quite possibly the luckiest, most blessed woman on the face of the planet. awe...my knight in shining armor had arrived and now i could "carry on with my life." i was 28 and ready to start a family. again, god had another plan. after about two years of marriage (and some serious praying for direction) god finally moved mark's heart and we began "trying to have a baby" (that statement is so cliche and cheesy, but you know what i mean). what lay ahead for me in the next two + years, nothing could have prepared me for. month after month i had thought i was pregnant..and month after month "mother nature" brought her little monthly gift and slowly shattered my dream of becoming a mother. i can't tell you how many times i took pregnancy tests, only to find that they were negative. oh, the torture i put myself through (those of you reading this out there that went through this, you know exactly what i mean). seriously, i should have owned stock in "first response." it got harder and harder, as i attended baby showers and put on my smile and congratulated the new moms-to-be (many of whom were dear, dear friends, and people who knew my deep desire to also be a mother). i can only imagine how difficult it was for them as well. i was genuinly happy for them, but more than that, i was sad for me. i couldn't understand how god could give me such a strong desire to be a mother, but not "produce" a child in me. i mean, this is the god who parted the red sea, and had a large fish swallow jonah...and then spit him back up...ALIVE, and deliver the children of israel out of exile. couldn't he just plant a seed in me???? the one thing i clung to was the promise that god would not give me more than i could handle...and just when i thought i could handle no more, he would give me hope and peace to carry on each day...motherless! i began to think that perhaps i would just be the surrogate mother to all of the students god placed in my classroom (even some of those undesirable children-they needed me most). tears, late night talks, and mostly prayer, got me through those tought times. during it all, i had sought a few doctors. both of which labeled me "infertile" and began tests, medicine (thank you chlomid, for those 10 extra pounds you helped me gain-for nothing!), and procedures to "correct" this condition. after having performed a less than desirable procedure, one doctor told me my fallopian tubes were pretty much shot and if i were 40 she would suggest we start invetro immediately. well, not exactly the words you want to hear from a professional in this field. i held it together in the office and the minute i hit the parking lot, all heck broke loose. i cried uncontrollably for a very long time. that was probably the hardest day ever. poor mark, he did not know how to consol me. at this time i should have remembered my own thoughts...god can part the red sea, he can have a big fish swallow jonah and spit him back up alive, and he can deliver the children of israel...he surely can plant a seed in me...no matter what a doctor says. well, sadly, these words were not near and dear to my heart at this time. satan's words of never becoming a mother were quietly whispering in my ears.
it was early september, 2006 (6 months after i left the doctor's office in tears), and i had a strange feeling that morning. i woke up a bit early and decided to take a pregnancy test. mark was still asleep in bed and i was not going to wake him up...it wasn't worth it. but....as i sat waiting (about a total of 5 seconds)...that test showed two VERY DARK lines...I WAS....dare i say....PREGNANT!!!! i immediately began to shake and did not know what to do...do i wake mark up, do i scream, do take another one to make sure (oh, wait, that was the last one)...oh no, what do i do? so, i did nothing, but smile and ponder that moment in my heart. i knew this was "IT." god had given me such a peace along this journey, though it was the most difficult journey i have yet to encounter...he gave me the peace i needed. after a VERY LONG day...of keeping my new secret...i finally told mark that night. it was a friday, so we decided to go out to dinner. i had told mark i had a little night planned for us. we went to the beach for a bit before heading to dinner. i had a small present i wanted to give to him. it was two bibs: one pink and one blue, both read, "i love my daddy." he seriously thought it was a joke. he knew my heart's desire, and though he had also desired it (deep, deep down, i think) he didn't think it would really ever happen to him. he was quite shocked at the initial thought of "the rest of his life being responsible for someone else" (those are my words, but it was what i gathered as i looked at his surprised little face).
a little over nine months later...addison elizabeth was born on may 8, 2007. the most precious gift ever, and one i had so longed for. my little girl was here and i was a mommy!!! i will NEVER forget that moment as long as i live. addison...your mommy loves you more than you will ever know. thank you lord, for your everlasting love, patience, goodness, and grace. i will serve you, my savior, my redeemer, for the rest of my life!
oh, for those that may happen to stumble upon this post and don't already know me...when addison was about 2 1/2 moths old, i found myself PREGNANT again!!!! little august grace was born on may 23rd, 2008. so, the god who parted the red sea, had a big fish swallow jonah and spit him up again alive, and deliver the children of israel, had planted a seed in me TWO TIMES!!!! he is a god of miracles...and perfect TIMING!!!
thanks for enduring the LONG post...i just felt i wanted to share my story!
1 comment :
Our God is a GOD God!!!
What a testimony!!!
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